I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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