Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.