My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.