Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.