i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.