I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party