The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent