you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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