How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
All of them.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant