She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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