did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
