I skipped work to stalk him.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
