i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
