you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
