Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
