It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
