I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
