Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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