If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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