she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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