Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
