Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i think im in europe. pls send help
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
