I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
