fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
