I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
