I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
