He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
