Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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