why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
