Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
