i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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