Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
