turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
