I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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