yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
