How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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