So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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