ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
