i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
