Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
