i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
