That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
