Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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