the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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