just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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