Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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