I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
