that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
