Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
