Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
