it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
