He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
