Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
