If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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