3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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