He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she told me i tasted like america
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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